"I would soon learn that showing up at the border with a can of liquid karate and a less-than-Ron-Jeremy-sized whacky stick was like arriving at the Battle of Hastings with a spork.""The border attracts a fundamentally different clientele from the airport. Going to an airport is a big deal for most people. They put on pants. They bring a passport. They know where they are going. They expect a bit of scrutiny. If they arrive at the airport in, say, Seoul with an AK-47 or buck-assed naked, someone is likely to notice and say, "Er, come with me, sir.""Officers who believe their clients are innocent children will never allow child rapists into a home with Canadian children. And that's as important as semantics ever get.""So much cocaine was coming up the US-5 from Mexico that BC, 10,000 kilometres from the nearest coca plant, was becoming a net EXPORTER of cocaine.""You can't fix people's attitudes. If people are stupid and ignorant, they've probably been that way for a long time. They think it's okay, and they don't want to change. If anyone's going to change that, it might be a spouse or a minister; it sure as shit won't be you." "People were coming through the lane with fucking pianos strapped to the roofs of their vans, insisting they had "Nothing to declare." Chutzpah doesn't begin to cover it.""He is now the Vice-Chair of the Board of Governors for the University of Ottawa, a perfect settling perch for members of the Laurentian Elite who have fucked things up in the civil service too much to be of use to even a Liberal government. On his University of Ottawa bio-page, the word "border" is misspelled.""Bosses hated arming, not because they had analyzed it dispassionately and found it made no sense, but because they were cloistered academics who did not like things that made loud noises.""Taking a dime was taking a dollar was taking a million. Lying about whether or not a guy had booze on his breath when you pulled him in for an ASD was the same as lying about a confession to murder. Breaking the laws you were sworn to protect was shit behaviour, any way you cut it.""Drug traffickers do not threaten unreceptive people who have done nothing to suggest a willingness to compromise their integrity, or an opening for blackmail. They know those people will go to the police.""First, we completed the Minnesota Multiphasic Personality Inventory. This was a multiple-choice exam which, luckily, had an interpretation guide available on Amazon. I bought one, and it helped me understand certain valuable things. Like, when they ask about flowers, that's code for "gay." And when they ask about "enjoying fire," that's not hot cocoa by the fireplace, that's setting fire to your own house and jerking off till the bucketheads get there.""Andy was searching an old country music star's bus one time, when the star asked him, 'Whatcha all looking for, anyway?' 'Contraband.' 'Why, we's a country band.'" "People who show up at the border often have classical DSM-IV symptoms. They are disoriented. They are delusional. They are panicked. They engage in risky behaviour. Ask any officer who has spent six or more months at a border crossing, and they'll tell you: there isn't enough Prozac in the world for these people."