Trusting the Knot | Musings

I love writing random thoughts that come to mind. They’ll never be included in the stories, but they are a good way to stretch my fingers and clear my mind. This hasn’t been edited, tweaked, etc. It’s all organic. Here’s one example from ‘Trusting the Knot’:


                My Ghia was built for speed, and I hated her for that. The car wove through the street up towards my cabin as smooth as could be. I snuffed out my cigarette in the car’s ashtray and blew a line of smoke out the window. The retreat was officially up and running, and there I was, once more… running. I didn’t want to stay the entire time. James could handle things on his own, and Ashley was there to keep an eye on him for me. If only there was someone who could keep an eye on me. The jokes almost wrote themselves in my head.

The night air filtered into the car and under my skin. I was cold, but nothing was new there. I pulled at my collar and loosened my tie. In a little over a month, I would be back at home in Westwood where I could stay as late as I wanted at the hospital and not have to deal with anyone but doctors, nurses, and patients. Safe people, ones that saw me as what I wanted the world to view Dr. Richard Anderson as. But I knew what I was. A man with needs, much darker than some. James was the only one in my crowd that I could officially say was closest to my darker side. He had seen me at my worst, helped me through those times, and had been there at my side to congratulate me at my best. He was my brother, in all sense of the word. But even brothers can sometimes be assholes who think that having a submissive for the summer would help me get out of my funk.

Fine, I could play hard ball. I agreed, after my friends had cornered me and force fed the notion down my throat until I pleaded with them to stop. The girl was hand-picked by Rose, and was signed under my strict contract. There wouldn’t be any chances of the same problems arising as they did years ago. I would be fine, I knew it and my friends knew it. But I wasn’t ready to be fine. I had gotten used to being miserable and broken. I could see the appeal of staying in a depressed little bubble of my own self-loathing.

I pulled into my driveway and shut off the engine. The girl, Sasha was her name, would be waiting inside, on her knees with her hands laced behind her head. Exactly as I had written in her instructions. During the morning welcoming meeting, I was able to steal a quick peak at her from the sidelines. She was nervous and beautiful. Her hair had been pulled into a ponytail that curled in thick spirals at the ends.

“What do you think?” Rose’s assistant ask me as I stood there and stared. I kept my fisted hands inside my pant pockets, tightening my fingers and then releasing my grip.

“She’ll do,” I muttered, though I wasn’t really talking to him. I had to say it out loud in order for me to convince myself that things would go quicker the faster I could get the day over and done with.

I stepped out of my car and straightened my jacket but kept my tie loose. Sasha would take care of my house, and nothing more. I didn’t need a submissive in my life. I opened the front door to my house and the sight took me back to another time. As I knew she would be, Sasha was there in the middle of the living room with her hands behind the back of her head. She wore a basic white bra and panty set that I had chosen in a variety of designs and designers. All white in color, as I had instructed. I loved the innocence of the color, and seeing it on her definitely made Sasha very innocent looking. She still wore her hair in a ponytail, and it only made my pants grow tighter. She was nervous and scared, her mouth parted slightly, and her chest contracting.

The monster in me grinned at the sight. The man in me scowled with annoyance. She was beautiful in a simplistic way that I had always been attracted to. I didn’t like the exuberant and flashy. I liked the innocence and confidence a girl could give me without having to make a spectacle of herself. Sasha had just turned twenty-one and I assumed she was attending college somewhere. I told Rose that I didn’t want to know her background, or anything else past her age and name. It would make it easier for me to ignore her and consider her as just another item in my home.

“Bed,” I ordered as I neared her. I walked past her figure and my ears prickled to listen to see whether or not she would listen. Of course she would listen. I was paying her to listen. Just to make sure, I stole a glance over my shoulder and found her scrambling to crawl as fast as she could behind me.

Damn it. I had hoped she wouldn’t behave so I could fire her more easily. We came to my bedroom and I sat on the edge of my bed to wait for her. Sasha awaited, kneeled very close to my parted legs. I tried to focus on her in the dark, but my eyes hurt so much that I had to take my glasses off and set them on the table. I pulled off my tie from around my neck and threw it to the ground.

“Undress me.”

She paused, probably trying to remember how I liked things done. She scooted closer between my legs and lifted herself up onto her knees. Sasha’s hands were shaking when I felt them touch my legs. My muscles twitched from the contact but I didn’t dare move. She came closer into me, so close that I felt her breath on my neck. I looked over her shoulder and saw the contrast of her white underwear reflecting against the dark. I closed my eyes, thankful that she couldn’t read my mind and know all the disgusting things I wanted to do to her with those panties, preferably stuffed in her mouth after I made them soaking wet.

Sasha was careful not to touch me again, so careful that it was taking too forever to get my clothes off.

“You’re taking too long,” I warned her between my gritted teeth. She became obviously frustrated because her workmanship was turning into a jumble of mistakes. I grabbed her by her chin and yanked her face up to mine.

“You have one minute to remove all of my clothes, starting now, or I will tie you up around the tree outside and leave you there all night. Is that clear?”

“Y-yes,” she panted and my body felt like it would explode. Yes. I wanted her to say it again. And again. And again.

“S-sir.” The word hit me like a ton of bricks. Fuck, why was she doing this to me? Why had I agreed to this damn summer?

She finished the task of removing my clothes moments later. My brain was fried from the day’s events, and I knew that eventually I would need to sleep. Yet having Sasha sleeping on the floor next to me would prove to be even worse for my insomnia.

“Don’t waste my time like that again,” I snapped. Even for my standards, I was being an asshole. I pulled my legs into the bed and threw the sheets up around my waist. I could feel her eyes still on me with my back turned towards her.

“Your pallet is under the bed.”

The silence was deafening, but even worse was the pain I know I had probably caused her with my callous words. There was nothing I couldn’t stand more than a Dominant who abused his power. There was a rustling noise while Sasha pulled out her bed from underneath and while she settled in. The air felt thick and uncomfortable, my room became smaller. I closed my eyes and released the breath I was holding in my chest. I had to be distant from her, I couldn’t trust her. The summer would come and go, and I would continue on. That’s how things would be, and that’s how I wanted them. But as clear as it was to say in my head, I couldn’t head the nagging ache deep within my body.

Yes, Sir. I had missed that. The monster had missed hearing it as well. If only she knew who was sleeping so close to her, perhaps then Sasha wouldn’t have signed her contract. 

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